Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money!
“The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.” ~W.C. Fields
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.” ~Groucho Marx
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Age is important only if you’re cheese or wine.
So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.
Every organization appears to be headed by the secret agents of its enemies.
If all is not lost, where is it?
Always remember, you are unique – just like everyone else.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” ~Aristotle
When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
I might be in the basement. I’ll go upstairs and check.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food!
Just because I have a short attention span doesn’t mean I .
“All of time and space, everything that ever happened or ever will. One question, where do you want to start?” ~The (11th) Doctor
Is it progress if cannibals use a fork?
The chance that you’ll forget something is directly proportional to…..to….ah…..
According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
If a tin whistle is made of tin, what is a fog horn made of?
I used to be a musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.
If you can’t read this, you’re illiterate.
Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
“Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.” ~Robert Heinlein
It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
“Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.” ~Groucho Marx
Admit nothing, deny everything, and make counter-accusations.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.