March 2017

​Out of my mind. Back in an hour.

When I’m feeling blue, I start breathing again.

“It’s not the men in your life that matters, it’s the life in your men.” ~Mae West

The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ –NO CARRIER–

Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

“You can’t have a light without a dark to stick it in.” ~Arlo Guthrie

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”

Even a mosquito doesn’t get a slap on the back until it starts to work.

“Animals can be driven crazy by placing too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.” ~Robert Heinlein

Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…

Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

Dear Congress:
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.

What’s another word for ‘thesaurus’?

Even a woodpecker owes his success to the fact that uses his head.

It is easier to get older that it is to get wiser.

As a young child my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out the police call this “Identity Theft”.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends – if they’re okay, then it’s you.

There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it wrongly, and applying unsuitable remedies.

“Drinking is our biggest enemy.” ~Jawaharlal Nehru
“We should learn to love our enemies.” ~Mahatma Gahdi
Draw your own conclusions.

I got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it. Then I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.” ~Paul Fix

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

Even on the right track you’ll surely get run over if you just sit there.

<– February 2017

April 2017 –>